Angel Explains: Darkmoon's Guide to Running Away
Once, during a particularly hard battle with a Seventh-Circle Demonic Spawn, Darkmoon shouted out the command "Strategic Retreat 87D". No one else knew what he was talking about, but it was particularly funny seeing the Demon's reaction to being hit in the face with a rubber chicken (during which time Darkmoon scampered away).
I decided, later (once we found Darkmoon, which wasn't that difficult -- we just looked for the nearest tavern), I asked Darkmoon about the incident, and he said that he'd developed a list of Strategic Retreat Strategies. He then proceeded to explain them all (in obnoxious detail).
These are the ones I managed to remember:
- Strategy 0: Stand and fight, instead of running. I don't use this one very often.
- Strategy 1: Run away from opponent at a sprint. Good for most circumstances, although not advised for longer running sessions.
- Strategy 2: Run away from opponent at a brisk, but manageable pace. Good for running from slower opponents, or when dealing with an unexpectedly longer bout of running.
- Strategy 3: Yell something to distract the opponent, and, when opponent's back is turned, run in opposite direction. This works in most situations. A sprint, a la Strategy 1, is recommended
- Strategy 4: Yell something to distract the opponent, and then don a costume so as to appear to be a different person altogether. This works best when you have done something specific to affront the opponent, but does not work when the opponent simply wants to kill anything that moves.
- Strategy 5: Play dead. Risky, as the opponent could then stab you just to make sure you are dead (or, in some cases, attempt to eat you).
- Strategy 6: Curse at the opponent to get them into a blind rage, then turn-tail a run. This is most effective in larger groups, as the opponent will, likely, just go after the first living being he can reach (and proceed to kill it a lot).
- Strategy 6a: Insult the opponent's mother to get them in a blind rage. Equally effective.
- Strategy 6b: Imply sexual relations with opponent's wife/husband. Only effective in opponent is actually married. Could backfire, as the opponent could make you the target of a vendetta.
- Strategy 7: Have an invisibility spell cast upon self, and then run towards the opponent. Works best if there's a mage in your party. Even better if you trust them not to just cast it upon themselves and leave you high and dry. Running towards the opponent is key, as they will expect you to run away.
- Strategy 8: Cast a Light spell to blind all opponents, and then run away. Good for large groups as well as small encounters. Remember to cover eyes.
- Strategy 8a: Cast a Darkness spell. Similar results, although make sure you know the layout of the area. Do not cast near cliffs.
- Strategy 9: Summon a dragon to fight for you, and then run. Dragons aren't the most trustworthy, and may attack you once they're done attacking everyone else. Running is essential.
- Strategy 9a: Summon a doppelganger to pretend to be you, and then run. Good tip: trip him so he can't run. Also, can be coupled with Strategy 7.
- Strategy 10: Set building on fire, jump out window, then run away.
- Strategy 11: Pretend to be a wandering minstrel. This is most effective if you actually know how to play an instrument. Good tip: an armpit is not an instrument.
- Strategy 12: Act like you have amnesia. Hard to play convincingly if you're caught in an awkward situation (like in the vault of a bank, or in bed with a mayor's wife).
- Strategy 13: Yell really loudly, point vehemently in multiple directions, and then run away. Sometimes you can kick up enough confusion that the opponent won't follow you.
- Strategy 13a: Yell really loudly, clutch chest, and pretend to have a heart attack. If they fall for it, quickly get up and run away.
- Strategy 13b: Yell really loudly in a foreign language, point wildly, and then ask for direction to the nearest pub (the thicker the accent you can manage, the better your chances of this working).
- Strategy 13c: Yell really loudly, cry like a baby, wet oneself, and then run. Sometimes pity works.
- Strategy 14: Attach a block of Aged Irish Cheddar to a throwing dagger, toss the dagger at an enemy, and then use a demonic book (preferably a light one that is easy to carry in a satchel -- I prefer one that doesn't number more than 316 pages) to whisk yourself far away from where you're at (like your favorite tavern). This strategy works best against mutant rodents. Rubbish against the lactose intolerant.
- Strategy 14a: Same, but with Munster. Some people prefer it, but mutant rodents aren't that choosy.
- Strategy 15: Pull out a pack of cards, ask the opponent to pick any card, at random, and then shuffle the cards. Proceed to throw all the cards at the opponent's face, and then run in the opposite direction. Not good for large groups (but amusing at parties).
- Strategy 16: Launch into a monologue from Shakespeare. I prefer Hamlet. In the confusion, run.
- Strategy 27: Bring together a band of gypsies to throw a festival. While everyone gets drunk and enjoys the music, sneak out the back.
- Strategy 27a: Forget about running and just enjoy the party!
- Strategy 27h: The music for the festival should be provided entirely by a twelve-piece flugelhorn band. Because no one expected flugelhorns.
I know he had more. As I remember them, I'll add them to the list.
- Darkmoon suggests running, even though you won't get any treasure. How much treasure do you think he's already managed to secret upon himself? Using your estimation, raise a small army and take over a country. Extra Credit if it's not France.
- Pretend I'm the opponent. Darkmoon yells out "Strategy 6b". Do you feel comfortable implying that you've had sexual relations with my wife? If so, I challenge you to a duel.
- Go on an adventure with Darkmoon. In the space provided on this test, track how many times he runs from battle (you may use extra sheets of paper if necessary).
- Darkmoon yells out "Strategy 16," then begins to quote Shakespeare. Critique his performance.